Friday, February 02, 2007

Waiting for Godot

I have slowly realized I can't save everyone though I look for everyone
and anyone to save me. I need to carefully pick and choose my battles
keeping the bigger war in mind. I haven't lived like this since I was
15 and decided to take life in my own hands after reading Malcolm X,
where the enemy was the white man and the oppressor the United States
of America. It became clear, and that is what prophets and great men
do, they make clear that which is muddled and confused, they make you
see, often at the cost of nuance and complexity - but the extremism
that is fostered is needed and valuable as process. It provides
guidance in time of solitary confusion. Oh malcolm. You are my king
though you were not entirely logical or correct. There was truth in
your courage and anger. It was a suicide bomb for the mind that made
me think awoke me to the fact that something, something is going on.

In Colombia, I was living an overt war, concrete, tangible, obvious and
that is why people were happy there. They knew that one had to live
and live well because the world was a terrible place. I took that
message easily, as it is Punjabi philosophy, a way of being for all
those who grew up in conflict. It makes you strange though, you
realize that your adaption is a survival mechanism, and after a while
you become dependent on the violence to survive. Many Colombian
scholars allude to a lustful relationship Colombians have to violence.
How any ceasing of it is not psychologically possible, 100s of years of
fighting has become addictive. Safety and security would tear up their
insides if they did not have the outward violence. It's a sick
revelation, and ask anyone who loves Colombia and they know that their
love is tied with the violence. As soon as the violence vanishes
Colombia vanishes and you want to make things better, though you
secretly don't want it to end. Its a sick need. Like many people in
New York on September 11. I had leftist, activist friends who felt it
was a marxist necessity occurring, the coming of the revolution. I was
in Brooklyn with the religious who felt it was the apocalypse, the
coming of christ. What was the difference between the two groups?
Nothing, all harboring a lust for violence, a need to suffer, to have
something move and change because they don't suffer enough. Its sad
when we need tragic events to feel alive.

And my prozac colleagues why does it hurt me so? Because i thought I
was their friend perhaps, or that we were together in how we felt about
the world. Its why when I found out about your antibiotics I was
shocked. That you would think it to be so trivial to not discuss with
me was a bomb. and all the dentist appointments, the creams, what seem
to you as obsessions or a need to control is not that at all. I merge
my soul and body into yours and I need to know what goes into them
because they will go into me. You are pure and beautiful though the
system we are in is not and always looks for conniving ways to fool us
and we can only counter-act that with criticism (not complaining),
dialogue and action. A constant consciousness, a constant observing
and understanding. Note I didn't say analyzing, as that is technical,
and done without a proper spirtual-political-philosopical framework is
meaningless, or worse paralyzing self indulgent madness. I don't want
to analyze the fire before putting it out, i want to put it out with
instinct and then learn. People are so cut off so numb they keep
talking and talking. They don't move with instinct toward the crisis
because they no longer are sensitive and feeling, they are intellectual
about it. And thats what bugs me. Why do these prozac filled people
want to have sex when they can't feel anymore? When one can't feel and
it isn't about pleasure it becomes about power and perversion.

I am categorically against anti-depressive drugs. Hear me out once and
for all lord. let it be on record.

For all you Americans without a culture and all your justifications -
you're wrong. You are being duped by the Big Pharm, the biggest most
corrupt most dangerous threat to health and well-being. Forget about
terrorism, thats peanuts compared to the Agri-Pharm-medical complex
which is to sicken you, make money off you and to keep you alive dead.
"Unborn living, living dead..."

What kind of society do we live in? "It is no measure of health to be
well-adjusted to a profound sick society" - Krishamurti. You cannot
silence me. Till my last days, even if I am persecuted I will tell all
and ask you to have a conversation with me about the irrationality and
absurdities of our world. I propose to have no answers, I just want to
keep having the dialogue. about important matters. I don't want to
numb myself with alcohol and relax with pot, and watch "friends" and
amuse myself to death. I want to fight to live. I want to fight the
good fight. I don't want to get distracted from our grander purpose.
I don't want entertainment. I want to work. You got to work for
peace. for justice. for happiness, for health. Everything is set-up
against you but you can do it. do it do it do it. Awaken, before it
is too late. well, its never too late, because when you die, it will
be like "eraserhead" by david lynch. have you seen that fucking movie.
see it be it use it lose it, everything is gonna be alright but...."No
eternal reward will forgive is for wasting the dawn." break on through
break on through......yeah

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