The more you live now, the more it will hurt to remember

It is difficult for me to judge people. Though there is something
wrong with a grand number of them, objectively. I feel very
disconnected from the insanity that surrounds me. The sufferings of
young minds. The loss of intelligence. People who live only to
survive, who live with no purpose. Who no longer can focus,
concentrate enough on anything, anyone, who do things with no passion,
no love.

Then there are the people who kill themselves and make a show of it for
all of us to watch. Waiting for us to stop them, to help them, to care
for them because thats all they want, someone to care for them. Well I
don't care for them. Because nothing is wrong with suicide. The world
would be better if people were allowed to kill themselves. Our
hypocritical society doesn't want you to live or die, they want to keep
you working sad. They don't care for you, nobody cares for you, there
is nothing out here but the power of your mind, your spirit, your soul
that from time to times rhymes to make some poetry. If only you could
feel, listen, see in new ways. Then something would move. Something
would happen. But you don't have the desire, even. You desire, desire
itself. You want to care but you don't, wouldn't it be great to care,
to have passion, to be moved by sunsets and sunrises. To be sensitive
to beauty. If only it meant something to you.

Our society, based on over consumption and information overload has
bombarded your senses to the point that your intellect, if it is at all
intact becomes your only weapon, your one trick pony to kill all that
is real. Stop searching for the meaning and take in the experience.
Understanding comes also from feeling without judgment. Don't
struggle, just try and feel it. And then something happens, something
magical. The moment where you don't want anything, don't need anything
to make you happy because the feeling is enough. And then you want to
live, really live, even for somebody else.

For Sontag

Susan Sontag is a powerhouse. Reading her gives clarity and vision to my pursuits. I immediately am reminded of the "why" in everything I do, the importance of words, thinking and feeling. Feeling and floating intensely through her mind. I run to her when I feel disordered, when the words don't work, when there is no harmony.

It is never as clear with other people of the magnitude, the
responsibility and seriousness writing, art brings to the world. I
read her into the night last night before bed. The experience, the
thrill in reading an essay on pornography, things I always felt and
became true only when she put them to words. She placed them gently in
me, slowly diffusing through my mind, body, my heart and soul. She
makes essays rock and roll. She would make a philosopher king trade
his kingdom for her paragraphs.

How her words opened me to new possibilities of being. How a woman at
some time in the 60s in her New York City apartment with her pen
reached to touch me last night in my solitude, is the true mystery of
life. That it happened, if only once, gives me enough strength to keep
going on awake and aware, not wasting the dawn, nor counting on any
eternal reward. She's enough. She's the one.

We all go through this though only some really move. She moved. She
moves. She moves through us.

"On keeping a journal. Superficial to understand the journal as just a
receptacle for one's private, secret thoughts - like a confidante who
is deaf, dumb and illiterate. In the journal I do not just express
myself more openly than I could any person: I create myself." - S.
Sontag

There is no hope only love

In my difficult moments I remember to remember to feel blessed. I
realized that in the last few pages of "The Stranger" by Camus, the
benign indifference of the universe. The death of god made me more
religious. Knowing I could pray to something that would never or could
never exist made me happy. It made prayer worth it and more valuable
when one knew that nothing would ever come of it. The universe would
be indifferent, it would move and kill, give and take life and pleasure
with no order and reason. In such a static world there was no place
for morality, no one to hear your prayers, no help or mercy you were
alone and you better get used to it. A prayer with a guarantee is not
a prayer but a business relationship. One has to pray for the sake of
praying.

And I remind myself that I was born alone and will die the same, though
there have always been people along the way who have held me. My
mother, beautiful women, what would I do without them? Oh just hold me
before I go back into the that deep big black where your caresses and
the sunday afternoon sun won't warm our sea bathed bodies. But the
spirit rebels and wants to hold on to the beauty forever though the
more I try the more it eludes me, and the less I try the more it
spirals out of control. And I can't give up can't give in as I walk
the tightrope to your heart. Let me fall into you. Come on love.
Come on love. Just one more time before the flowers burst their life
in us.

If everyday I was reminded of the fragility and finite in the infinity
maybe I could finally live. Instead I am forced and pushed and pulled
and the more I try to figure out the more arrogant I become because I
think yes, I figured it out. And the more I know the less I know
because I realize that I am just a part of the harmony that my moments
of joy is when I flow in stream into the greater rhythm that
continuously hums around me. You got to float without sinking
and swim without trying and then you hit it and you really hit it.

Don't give up just yet. There is still much much more. Many more
characters to play and much more to feel before we leave. And we all
leave, that is the one constant the one truth: death. I miss biji and
I can't believe she is gone though she is gone. I called her before
she passed and I said "I love you" and she said "I love you too beta"
and she said it again with emphasis, with all the energy a dying woman
could have. It broke my heart though sometimes you need to break
things to put them back together again. Love to the spirit that
surrounds and guides us.

the pursuit of perfection, love or fear?

My friend's father listens only to classical music as after years of
listening he has developed an inability to hear anything else. Nothing
compares, his tastes have become refined to the point of repelling that
which doesn't meet the standard of complexity and brilliance which is
classical. I thought immediately of rock and roll and how a life lived
without it would be a life less lived. I also pondered the effects of
pursuing perfection and how it enslaves one. It is something I have
experienced with the television as I haven't watched it in years and
this past Sunday when my roomate insisted I watch Colombo (in italian)
I was struck by the advertising. It was a calm low grade violence that
I realized people get used to and no longer mind.

".....centuries from now our great-great-great-grandchildren will look
back at us with amazement at how we could allow such a precious
achievement of human culture as the telling of a story to be shattered
into smithereens by commercials, the same amazement we feel today when
we look at our ancestors for whom slavery, capital punishment, burning
of witches, and the inquisition were acceptable everyday events." --
Werner Herzog

Most people are not concerned about this. They no longer are sensitive
to whats happening to them and how they respond. When they look to
solve their problems they don't take everything into account. The fact
is everything matters, everything. All your actions are an expression
of who you are. They are no coincidences and everything has to be gone
over consciously to understand why. Why do I prefer to spend my friday
nights alone?

Even the pursuit of perfection if not done with the right intention
will haunt you. Will enslave you into obsession and stress. Its not
enough to try, the intentions and what you base your actions on is
where the answer lies.

All of our actions are based on two things: fear or love. That's it.
Simple as that. Ask yourself why you do things and whether it is out
of fear or love. Choose love, please. Choose love and I will choose
it too. Love.

Reading Tolstoy on the #7

Picture this: A man on a train reads Tolstoy while the man beside him
plays a video game on a cellphone. Are they both merely entertaining
themselves? Is wisdom to be found everywhere? There is the
egalitarian in me which does not want to confine wisdom to certain
canons and experiences but is the man on the cell phone gaining as much
enlightenment as our man reading Tolstoy? I am of course assuming that
there is something to be gained from reading Tolstoy on a train. What
is it? There is an importance isn't there? if there is then why
aren't we all playing the violin and reading proust in our free time?
Too many questions. Wouldn't we want to fill every minute of our lives
with fulfilling experiences? We don't got much time it seems and as
there is no time to waste its a wonder why most people waste most of
their time away. Perhaps its emotions that get in the way. Something
hurts us so deeply that we can only recover by relaxing and doing
nothing. Gayatri Spivak likens intelligence to a singer who has lost
her voice and can only feel the frustration of the loss of something
one is born with. Intelligence is developed naturally in us in the
form of curiosity as children only to be systematically deadened
through school, television, the church and often times the family that
has been socialized to adore and respect those institutions. There is
nothing new about this but its easy to forget what the struggle is and
needs to be directed towards. Iraq, terrorism, global warming are just
manifestations of a lack of intelligence. They don't get to the heart
of the matter. My voting democrat won't change anything for too long.
My killing my television, well thats when things start to move. Not
that I don't engage in "macro" problems but the revolution is micro and
doing the unsexy, the little things is what will allow you to take on
the bigger challenges.

There have to be some absolutes, universals, and differences as
uncomfortable as it may be to accept. For if there weren't there would
be no such thing as good and bad food, or a difference between the
spice girls and the beatles. Somethings are better, healthier lets
say. Not all actions and experiences are equal. But the problem is
how do we decide, who we do we believe as we progress through
minefields of mediocrity. Its a battle of ideas. Its a battle for
your mind. And who cares anymore? Is there enough energy left for
consciousness and critical thinking? It takes a lot of work to care
and it becomes easy to lose sight of why we bother in the first place.
Just don't think, feel good, be comfortable, enjoy life and stop
thinking. We are so tired and busy. Busy paying the bills or cleaning
the kitchen, doing laundry and becoming organized. Who has the time
anymore?

People give up and don't even realize that to give up is to stop
living. Though thats the problem with spiritual castration isn't it?
It takes away desire and you don't even have that to make you
uncomfortable, to make you suffer. Don't be afraid to suffer and long
for something. One day we will desire desire itself. But people kill
that in themselves to go on calmly and then you become like that singer
who has lost her voice and when she hears music she wants to sing and
tries to and can't but the song will forever be in her mind. In your
mind.

Lets give up then you and I as we walk beneath the empty sky. Remind
me again why we live. How to go on without being critical. For if I
am not critical and not consciousness of what I do then I might as well
not be here. And if I am not here who is writing this? Who am I ?

Thats always the question: Who am I? Who are you? Am I who I am in
times of comfort or in extreme situations? Too many questions. I just
want to be somebody. I want to be a contender.

All I know is that I have to keep writing. I only understand how I am
feeling when I write. And when I don't all goes awry. Writing focuses
me, brings me into being. When it doesn't flow I know something has
happened to my thinking. And when I am not thinking I go astray and
suffer. And I have suffered much. I have wasted much. I see not the
beauty in front of me. I lose sensibility. I, I , I.....let go and
follow the touch and the hand and the kisses......

come on woman make me great. Hold me close. Never let me go.

The meaning of resistance

Many times I have heard asked " how would you live your life if you
knew you would die x ", x generally being a short time span, sooner
than generally expected and I hear "I wouldn't be here". Why?

I live like its my last day every day and that is equally my strenght
and weakness. There is something in planning that doesn't come
naturally to the Punjabi in me. I spend today and think about tomorow
when tomorrow comes. If I will have no money then I will sleep on park
benches, look at the stars and talk to strangers to fulfill myself.

I enjoy myself because I don't believe in the future, promises they
mean nothing to me. I live today and have a simple philosophy: to
enjoy what I do. "But we don't always have the luxury to choose". To
which I say:

Even slaves sung songs, and Benigni made the holocaust a game.....no
excuses, make it work, that is the real resistance and struggle.....if
only everyone followed their heart and did what they loved then the
world would automatically be a better place....its only when we feel we
are trapped and when most people feel that way do horrible things
happen. I suppose no one wants to be alone and is afraid they will be
isolated and suffer as an individual and my answer to that is
organize.....the home schooling, environment, civil rights movements
are all minority movements that organized to make a niche for
themselves in the world. You don't need to have everyone agree with
you, you just need to be brave enough to speak your heart and demand
your dignity and that in of itself will set you free.....

"Easier said than done". To which I say who said it was suppose to be
easy? And if it was easy would you do it?

And I don't care about winning or losing, I believe on doing that which
makes me free.

"What you thought was freedom was just greed" - Bono Vox

oops

They say its your birthday...

"My 20s were difficult. I think that those are
hard years for most men. Older men want to kill
you, and girls don’t really want you. They’re
most interested in the rich, older guy. For me,
money was scarce, and I was extremely lonely.
But New York was such an exciting place then
that it compensated for all my insecurities." R. Gere

It's never what you imagine it'll be. Sex, death, suffering... Thats
a constant truth in life. Its never how you think it will be.
Literature, arts, film, all provide a glimpse, elude to the feeling of
what the experience is like but its almost always a different kind of
wonderful.

Its like that touching scene in "Lost in Translation" when Bill Murray
is in bed next to Scarlet explaining what happens to a man when he has
a child. Everything changes, and we try to understand what It will be
like, grasp out of curiosity or longing the idea of a thing rather than
the thing itself. We become obsessed with ideals, love, honor,
dignity, death, suffering, only to understand that they are
abstractions. Silly abstractions.

Why do we keep trying to understand when it will never be like the
words we read, the pictures we saw, the music we listen to? Perhaps
because there is pleasure in it. The pleasure in making the attempt.
Or perhaps we like to lie to ourselves. To pretend we know rather than
bravely face the unknown.

It does work the other way around though, ironically. Once you have
lived something and then you encounter a work of art that speaks to
that experience, it is liberating, elating and enlightening. You feel
less alone, you are caught in disbelief that someone put into words
what you always knew, what you felt, in a way, the art form brings you
full circle, confirms your experience and gives it meaning.

What would all this be like if art didn't exist? Where does art come
from? What does it mean in our life? I remember a friend of mine when
he read "Brothers Karamazov" a highly influential book in life tell me
it did nothing for him. How was that possible? My god, to not be
moved by the Russians? He was lame though, maybe he will re-read the
Russians one day. When in trouble read the Russians, an old but true
adage.

I look for art to transform me. To change my actions. To guide me.
and in my most vulnerable moments comfort me. I will often spend a
friday night in bed with poetry listening to jazz while the world gets
drunk and stoned. I'd rather scribble bad short stories in my notebook
and read them to lovers than partake in meaningless conversation about
the weather. I want to create. I feel ready now that I have lived a
little. Just a little, there is much more to do, news doors to open as
others close behind me....

We can never go back. There is no going back. And in that there is
beauty and perfection. Don't look back. Look forward. Chin high.
Don't cry. Ok cry a little. If its for the lost ones. The ones no
longer here, the ones we will see again in some other form. The ones
who loved us. The ones that don't. To all those who wanted to...its
for them I really live.

Peace.

kissinger

Kissinger's willingness to make promises became the subject of a
popular joke in Israel: Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I
want to arrange a marriage for your son." The poor man replies, "I
never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds, "but the girl is
Lord Rothschild's daughter." "Well, in that case..."

Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your
daughter. " But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young
man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that
case..."

Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have
a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already
have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord
Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case..."

___________

ahh kissinger war criminal perhaps (chile coup, cambodia) but what a
colorful motherfucker he was/is. Re-defined what it meant to be a
statesman and brought a little rock and roll to international
relations. "Power is the ultimate aphrodiasiac". I respect that, his
swagger though not all of his policies and arrogance. Its always
problematic when power comes with charisma. it distracts us from
remembering that no matter who, the only response to power is to keep
it in check.

Is the world getting better or worse?

Who doesn't want to make the world a better place? Everyone does but
no one knows exactly how. Most people lose interest because they feel
that their efforts will be in vain. That anything they do will have no
impact. Or they become so involved in the daily struggle that they
lose track of what is best, what is good, what is right - all to
survive, and make it through the day. Is it a luxury now in this world
to care? To care about what? To make the world better, remember.
What does that even mean anymore? Your better may be my worse and if I
ask people randomly "over your lifetime have things gotten better or
worse? What a variety of answers you will get!" And if you ask within
a historical context, "over the past 50 years lets say after World War
2, has the world become a better place?" You will also get a variety
of stories depending who you talk to, an Indian, an African, a German,
a Bosnian, a Colombian, a rich man, a poor man, a woman, a holocaust
survivor, or Roberto Benigni who would say "La Vita E Bella". They
will say yes, no, maybe or perhaps both, that it gets better and it
gets worse. For how can one distinguish between these stories to know
"A Truth"? Is there "A Truth?" If there are many who is right?
Before even thinking of what is right and wrong perhaps it is better to
first listen, observe, understand. For to make the world a better
place first entails understanding all of our stories, our values,
judgments, interpretations, the data, the facts. To make the world
better we first need to understand it. To understand how it works.
What has worked and what hasn’t.

When I reflect on what the Bologna Center is and have to come up with a
simple definition of what it does and what I do here its " To
understand how the world works." I know that is a lofty goal and
perhaps an impossible one, but that is what we try to do here and the
effort, the process, is at times more important than the outcomes.
Because rather than provide you with "A Truth" as studying medicine or
the law might teach you, we are taught here to think for ourselves (and
more importantly to be skeptical), to know the different perspectives,
form an opinion and defend it with gusto. Bologna Center serves as
the center where diverse stories and perspectives can be heard, from
all over the world, where we debate and discuss what "Truth" means to
us. This dialogue this process, helps us understand the world,
combined with our trainings in economics and International Relations
give us the tools to be better informed, to have opinions and ideas.
Because ideas matter, especially in the realm we operate in of
economics, international relations and political philosophy. A quote
from Keynes to put it into context the importance of what goes on here:

"The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they are
right and when they are wrong are more powerful than is commonly
understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. Practical men,
who believe themselves to be quite exempt from any intellectual
influence are usually just slaves of some defunct economist." - Keynes

So lets get it right, lets at least try, make an effort. Bologna
Center is the living laboratory to try, test out, and figure out what
we believe to be true. It reminds us to care about the world, to
think, reflect on it because much is at stake. Our ideas matter. "Is
the world getting better or worse?" What is your answer? The Bologna
center has been here for over 50 years helping young leaders figure it
out and thanks to your support we will continue to be here, to serve
and make proud and be grateful for all your efforts in this process and
while it may still be difficult to say if the world is getting better
or worse, I can assure you, at the Bologna center “It is getting better
all the time”

Home is where the heart is

Throughout my life when the going gets rough and I don't feel well, I
go to India. I spent my childhood in Delhi and even when living in New
York I would go almost every year as most of my family and sister
reside there. As I have gotten older I have gone less and my life
feels more incomplete for it. India is a world unto itself, cliche but
true. If it was the world, it'd be enough for me. They say it takes
lifetimes to know India and I believe it. The diversity, the colors,
the tragedy, a day there shows you the complete spectrum of
possibilities, of being. Rich or poor, happy or sad, one everyday is
reminded and connected to the sufferings of others. There is no hiding
from it, there is no hiding in general as privacy is a strange concept,
something my Western counterpart has a tough time coming to grips with.
As a child in India or as an Indian child anywhere we become
accustomed to noise and developing an ability to sleep anywhere under
any circumstances. In loud raucous temples, where all - night rituals
are held it is not uncommon to see children sprawled out asleep as the
religious beat goes on and on.

One is forever surrounded by people and it is disturbing though you
feel alive, constantly. They say a great friend is one who feels
comfortable enough to impose himself on you. That is what a friend is,
isn't it? Someone who doesn't hesitate to impose himself on you. I
like that and India is like that in a seductive way. Not only imposing
but offending, abusing, pushing, pulling, making you sweat and scream.
And every other calm place puts me at unease. Thats why I prefer
southern Italy to the north. I can't deal with order and calm.

Being in the place I am from puts my soul at ease even though it
happens to be an insufferable chaos. I feel rejuvenated by the
remembrance of my childhood in Delhi. They are my most vivid memories.
I remember particularly the monsoon seasons. I have been attracted to
rain as far back as I can remember. Of all the weather conditions, the
drama of rain, thunder and lightening has been closest to expressing
how I feel inside. A torment that gives rise to flowers, that makes
the grass and trees grow, that washes away with a power to purify as
well as destroy.

The smell of the earth, where all senses intermingle. That is what I
long for, that is all I need.

Napoli, fear and longing

Sitting in a cafe in Naples I watch 8 men entertain themselves with
loud conversation, gestures and laughter. An old mad man screams at a
beautiful whore with braces who inadvertently makes glances at me, as I
sip my tea and hide behind my book and sunglasses. She has a hard look
to her, which has suffered and survived terrible circumstances and her
smile shows it. It says yes, I made it, I have seen it all, what are
you going to show me?

You ever have that feeling of meeting your death? Knowing that its in
your own hands, that if you so desire you can end it. Some women have
that quality to them as do certain cities and I could feel her (the
city) waiting for me in her tender trap. As she played with her
cellphone I knew she was waiting for me to say something, do anything
to make her feel like a lady. My manhood was beckoned, instead I
focused on ideas, on deep philosophical ideas and theories, thats what
happens. We think books will save us when they just protect us from
whores...

There would have been a time when I would have taken her to my room and
caressed her fine long black hair. Instead now I have better things to
do, excuses really, as I am tired, don't know what to look for and
can't recognize beauty in the shape of a whore. I disgust myself. To
not follow desire. I can't think of anything worse. To know that in
this world lies all our pleasure and pain and I just sit. I sit still,
I ignore it, I prefer to follow another desire. The desire to be
learned.

There is an apt saying about Naples, which is: see Naples and die. It
is the best way to describe the danger and excitement constantly in the
air here. Its how i felt the first time I went to New orleans, a city
to die in, a place that reeked of death.....and voodoo magic. You feel
that here in Naples, a lost greatness amidst a great sun sea and sky.
As you walk along its streets life and struggle is on you in you it
draws out all that you wanted to hide bursting out - lustful
exuberance.

The tough women with their Mediterranean faces waiting for men with
passion and violence.

This city inspires me to create. Madness and chaos do that, they
spring forth a need to bring life in that which is filled with death.
I attribute Naples madness to the volcano. To be constantly propelled
to explode. What a place to be in.

I have been feeling nostalgic for my father lately. Its been 9 years
now since he left me. I was a boy then and now I am a man, and with
each passing day I see him come closer to me in the mirror. I always
felt he went into my soul, inside me, to live life again, to see to
feel to touch, to hold on to a lover as everything crumbles. To go for
long walks by the sea, listening, listening for sailors.

I read "My ear at his heart - reading my father" by Hanif Kureishi and
I am half way through and I feel as though if it is a book written for
Indian boys and their dead fathers. I am sure others can universalize
it for themselves, though there is such detail about certain rituals
that take my breath away, I never knew someone else has lived through
what I lived through. That exiled Indian fathers feeling. All done
with such heart and creativity. I will leave you with some excerpts of
the sexual act as metaphor for life....

"Where does sex begin and end? Sex is often the memory of sex, as well
as the fantasy and the anticipation."

"She has taught him something useful about excitement, that it is
something to be sustained rather than evacuated"

"The attempt to make an entirely safe environment - coffee without
caffeine, war without killing, sex without contact - can only diminish
life. A world in which people can't die is a world in which people
can't live. What else is there apart from passion and its
vicissitudes?"

Napoli! Napoli! Napoli!

A human being is never what he is but the self he seeks - Octavio Paz

Waiting for Godot

I have slowly realized I can't save everyone though I look for everyone
and anyone to save me. I need to carefully pick and choose my battles
keeping the bigger war in mind. I haven't lived like this since I was
15 and decided to take life in my own hands after reading Malcolm X,
where the enemy was the white man and the oppressor the United States
of America. It became clear, and that is what prophets and great men
do, they make clear that which is muddled and confused, they make you
see, often at the cost of nuance and complexity - but the extremism
that is fostered is needed and valuable as process. It provides
guidance in time of solitary confusion. Oh malcolm. You are my king
though you were not entirely logical or correct. There was truth in
your courage and anger. It was a suicide bomb for the mind that made
me think awoke me to the fact that something, something is going on.

In Colombia, I was living an overt war, concrete, tangible, obvious and
that is why people were happy there. They knew that one had to live
and live well because the world was a terrible place. I took that
message easily, as it is Punjabi philosophy, a way of being for all
those who grew up in conflict. It makes you strange though, you
realize that your adaption is a survival mechanism, and after a while
you become dependent on the violence to survive. Many Colombian
scholars allude to a lustful relationship Colombians have to violence.
How any ceasing of it is not psychologically possible, 100s of years of
fighting has become addictive. Safety and security would tear up their
insides if they did not have the outward violence. It's a sick
revelation, and ask anyone who loves Colombia and they know that their
love is tied with the violence. As soon as the violence vanishes
Colombia vanishes and you want to make things better, though you
secretly don't want it to end. Its a sick need. Like many people in
New York on September 11. I had leftist, activist friends who felt it
was a marxist necessity occurring, the coming of the revolution. I was
in Brooklyn with the religious who felt it was the apocalypse, the
coming of christ. What was the difference between the two groups?
Nothing, all harboring a lust for violence, a need to suffer, to have
something move and change because they don't suffer enough. Its sad
when we need tragic events to feel alive.

And my prozac colleagues why does it hurt me so? Because i thought I
was their friend perhaps, or that we were together in how we felt about
the world. Its why when I found out about your antibiotics I was
shocked. That you would think it to be so trivial to not discuss with
me was a bomb. and all the dentist appointments, the creams, what seem
to you as obsessions or a need to control is not that at all. I merge
my soul and body into yours and I need to know what goes into them
because they will go into me. You are pure and beautiful though the
system we are in is not and always looks for conniving ways to fool us
and we can only counter-act that with criticism (not complaining),
dialogue and action. A constant consciousness, a constant observing
and understanding. Note I didn't say analyzing, as that is technical,
and done without a proper spirtual-political-philosopical framework is
meaningless, or worse paralyzing self indulgent madness. I don't want
to analyze the fire before putting it out, i want to put it out with
instinct and then learn. People are so cut off so numb they keep
talking and talking. They don't move with instinct toward the crisis
because they no longer are sensitive and feeling, they are intellectual
about it. And thats what bugs me. Why do these prozac filled people
want to have sex when they can't feel anymore? When one can't feel and
it isn't about pleasure it becomes about power and perversion.

I am categorically against anti-depressive drugs. Hear me out once and
for all lord. let it be on record. www.prozacspotlight.org

For all you Americans without a culture and all your justifications -
you're wrong. You are being duped by the Big Pharm, the biggest most
corrupt most dangerous threat to health and well-being. Forget about
terrorism, thats peanuts compared to the Agri-Pharm-medical complex
which is to sicken you, make money off you and to keep you alive dead.
"Unborn living, living dead..."

What kind of society do we live in? "It is no measure of health to be
well-adjusted to a profound sick society" - Krishamurti. You cannot
silence me. Till my last days, even if I am persecuted I will tell all
and ask you to have a conversation with me about the irrationality and
absurdities of our world. I propose to have no answers, I just want to
keep having the dialogue. about important matters. I don't want to
numb myself with alcohol and relax with pot, and watch "friends" and
amuse myself to death. I want to fight to live. I want to fight the
good fight. I don't want to get distracted from our grander purpose.
I don't want entertainment. I want to work. You got to work for
peace. for justice. for happiness, for health. Everything is set-up
against you but you can do it. do it do it do it. Awaken, before it
is too late. well, its never too late, because when you die, it will
be like "eraserhead" by david lynch. have you seen that fucking movie.
see it be it use it lose it, everything is gonna be alright but...."No
eternal reward will forgive is for wasting the dawn." break on through
break on through......yeah

Why I Study (give me a kiss)

alright i know you are all eagerly awaiting a post. I taught a seminar on 70s tv shows yesterday, we were watching and dissecting "Barney Miller" show from 1975. I got pulled into some wine after and long conversations. I am in the midst of finals, I am sorry I told you that because remember this blog is not about me, it is about my life and my relationship to it, to undertstand it, observe, revel in its abusrdity and beauty though i mention the exams things only because it is related to what this post is about. I wrote this to understand why I study and what it means. I know people study for different reasons, and the predominant reason is to get a job and survive, I respect that, though I am in the other camp. What camp that is I don't know. Here is an idea with my post on studying. Peace.


_______________

In the process of studying I realize who I am and what I value. What becomes illuminating is the process and how I choose to engage myself with it. There is a difference in whether I see this process as a burden or strengthener, whether I see the exam as an enemy or teacher. The best metaphor is athletic, of building, strengthening myself to function at a harmonious level. I remember my father in times like this as he stressed to me the importance of loving what one does. The importance of discipline, a routine and how even if one is unable to focus one must make the time to sit down, do one's duty. The act of studying was elevated to the spiritual.

I enjoy what I study and see its grander purpose and meaning in my life. It makes a difference what one studies as at times a forced discipline is used to do things one does not want to do or understand. Krisnamurti cynically noted "Discipline is evoked in order to get you to do things you don't want to do" I agree to an extent though discipline also paves the way and provides you with the opportunity to experience something new. I remember the first time I started running, how difficult it was and my inclination was to stop, give up and yet I had George, my best friend push me on, he said" you will see you will see, keep at it and you will hit a new world" and discipline is what brings you into that new world and thats the power of teachers. They give you the strenght to work hard, remind you whats at the end of this, reassure you that it gets better, guide you through the mud, help you in reflection, questioning, understanding the purpose and process without becoming arrogant and overly skeptical. A teacher-student relationship still has to be based on being humble and accepting that someone has something in our best interests. It challenges our faith in the goodness of humanity and only with a strong faith are we able to accept what one has to offer, other wise excessive questioning lead one to an incapability unable to grasping only that which can be understood through submission. I must allow to myself to simulatanously submit and have faith in my ability to be who I am, free, independent and clear. I need to build that as well.

Rather than fear as a motivator one must work to reduce stress and do things in an unrushed manner. Be systematic, like the sun and all of nature. Work hard and be not afraid to become dull and dim, you will only becoming more brilliant, like a diamond slowly polished and cleaned to be set in the mid day sun.

Cuba showed me the relationship between art and discipline. The best artists I met were fully dedicated with heart and soul, blood, sweat and tears to what they did. and they approached it as a doctor would a patient, a worker in his factory, they had the same dignity and they lacked all affectation, and bohemian astetic, it wasn't done for rebellion, it was done as a skill, it was given worth and dignity, they were not otstrasized, they very exemplified, given merit and importance. It changed the concept of what it means to be an artist and one of the most fasinating aspects of the revolution.

2007 BLOG UPDATES EVERY WEEK (RAIN OR SHINE)

As my words dance and come together in harmony I lose track of the fact
that I write, I create, I express, and that this is an exercise and a
meditation. I've kept a diary since I was 18, the idea first struck me
when I saw Doogie Howser do it on a TV show. You know that show about
the precocious genius young doctor who tackled questions of life, death
and suffering at the tender age of 17, as an MD. Every show ended with
Doogie writing of his day on his computer before going to sleep. if I
remember correctly he was encouraged to do it by his father who said
that Doogie would only realize later it's importance. As far back as I
can remember I wanted to be great. I read the biographies of great men
and consistently I was struck by how seriously they took themselves and
their work - whatever it was. They consistently believed they were a
part of something important and had the capacity to understand their
place in history. As evidence of this they always kept a diary and
wrote long beautiful poetic letters to family and loved ones. As I was
head off to NYU I knew my moment had arrived. I felt New York, my
youth and the world all come together, I took the first step, i started
writing. I have 10 years worth of diaries now, through my university
years, on deep philosophical theories, parts of screenplays, and then
subsequently through my work and travels in sub-saharan Africa, my work
in education in the inner-city in new york, my political campaigns
through 40 states (with anarchists!), my new age guruness in ecuador,
my human rights work in Colombia and most recently shaking hands with
Fidel on may day in Havana. Its been a long strange trip baby and now
I am in italy and it feels like my life is only now just begining.
Italy is where i will turn 30. Where I will begin anew. Its the
perfect place to be 30 because most italian men at this age are still
living with their mother. The perfect rythym for me.

As you all know I am not a big fan of technology, computers and the
internet, especially the internet. It is over-rated and touted as a
revolution when it's really the new TV. I don't deny its revolutionary
impact - possible only if one is media literate and bright enough to
use it well. Most of us are not and waste time in front of this screen
when we need to be amongst the mountains, the bees and the sycamore
trees. That said, i do use this medium and try to use it as
intelligently as possible. Blogs have always fascinated me and I know
that if done well make a big difference in making democracy livelier
and vibrant. Thus i will make regular updates every friday. Some will
be profound and long, others will be short and innocuous, but it will
happen and work to develop a consistency and dialogue to ideas that
have deep importance to living in 2007. Its taken me awhile to
understand the importance of e-writing ( i am slow) and this year the
blog world will have a gaboworld. Here is to a gaboworld.

As a special something though it can be its own entry a little somthing
I wrote about that four letter word, love.

The opposite of love is not hate but fear.

The more I love another the happier they become. If they are not used
to love they become addicted to my love. Eventually my capacity to
love deeply comes back to haunt me in the form of guilt, emotional
blackmail and a feeling of inadequacy. The passions wane and the
others then take it personal, unable to accept that the magic is gone
they blame themselves. Insecurity sets in, an acceptance of the truth,
that things are different, become hard to grasp. We keep wanting more
and more. Though the more we want the less we are able to reach it
because the love we had arose out of surprise, a lack of desire and
expectation. It happened upon us and I have the faith that it can
happen again, that the capacity to love is limitless though not
permanent. 5 minutes and 500 years all amount to the same proof of its
possibility, though how long it lasts and if that should concern us is
perhaps the big question. That time is relative is easily forgotten
when what we cherish ends. An ending is an ending and it comes to soon
or too late. If 3 minutes seem short to you ask a boxer what 3 minutes
are like for him in the ring. Every moment has in it, eternity.

At its heart love entails suffering. It is why most people are averse
to it and are unable to do it because in this day and age forget
suffering people don't want to even be uncomfortable. Because it hurts
to love and will continue to hurt, otherwise it would not be love it
would be pleasure. Love versus pleasure, have you ever thought about
the difference? Pleasure is abound but to truly love someone entails
that one is ready to suffer. If we are courageous enough to confront
suffering we will be on the threshold of what it means to live and
love. Or perhaps a possibility of living, because life can have many
meanings of which love is one. One can also choose fear, hate, anger,
obsession to fill that void in life and life will accordingly shift to
what you choose to be and live. It is the vehicle and you are the
driver with your values, priorities and judgements. Is love just that
good warm feeling as your lover looks into your eyes, caresses your
hair and says "I love you". It has to be more than mere escape and a
need for security.

Love is when someone loves and accepts the most difficult in a person,
allows themselves to be challenged, to change, to understand oneself
though the existence of another.

That is love for me. What is love for you?

Who is sovereign now?

SPECIAL NEWSPAPER SEMINAR with BC JOURNAL, this friday 530pm SAIS BAR
(complimentary aperitivo and wine, prizes,)

Who is sovereign now?

This Friday Newspaper Seminar is teaming up with BC journal to apply
this years theme of "sovereignty and how it is defined in the 21st
century" to current events (for a full text of the theme and how to
submit go to: http://bcjournal.org/entries) . The idea is to get you
to understand the applicability of the theme to a wide variety of
topics and to illustrate how many of the papers you are currently
writing can easily be tailored to fit submission criteria. The BC
journal staff will be on hand to field all your questions about
submissions and getting involved on many levels, as an editor, referee,
production, layout, fundraising and PR amongst other things. There
will as an added bonus:

FREE APeritvo - which means FREE WINE and FREE food, the food is going
to be special from the southern italian region of Puglia, provided by
"terra da sole" a gourmet wholesome eatery.

ok, before you get really excited keep your thinking caps on, we got
work to do, this is our last seminar and lets make the magic happen one
more time. Below are the readings I suggest you do, of all the pieces,
and they are all good, the highlight is the Eliot Cohen piece, who also
is a SAIS DC Director and professor of Strategic Studies.

Of the many things I have read on Iraq this past year this seems to be
the most clear and logical. Though professor Cohen one could argue, is
part of the reason we are in the mess to begin with, as he was an
staunch supporter of the war from its inception. The piece raises very
pertinent and interesting questions with regards to sovereignty. Cohen
argues, after the botched handling of Saddam Hussein's Execution, that
the United States for the time being needs to take a stronger role in
Iraq and says "Quite possibly, Prime Minister Maliki will refuse, on
the grounds of sovereignty and national pride, to allow Americans equal
control over Iraqi personnel policy. We should respond that when Iraq
is truly sovereign and standing on its own, we withdraw our advisers
and the joint board ceases to operate. In the meantime, we're not
potted plants. It is our advisers that force the ministries in Baghdad
to pay the Iraqi soldiers. It is our advisers on patrol risking their
lives and dying to reassure the Iraqi forces that they can prevail. As
long as we run equal risk, we deserve equal say in the selection of
competent leaders." I find all this talk of sovereignty amusing given
that it wasn't much of a concern on March 19, 2003. Read this article,
as we will use it as a launching point for the discussion and relate it
to the BC journal theme.

http://www.aei.org/publications/pubID.25402/pub_detail.asp

This next article is Kofi Annan's farewell speech. He calls for the
world to intervene and perhaps over-ride Sovereignty in the name of
human rights. Troubling, perplexing, controversial, it is a call for a
new world order (if we aren't there already). Its a type of left-wing
imperialism.

http://www.iht.com/articles/2006/12/08/opinion/edannan.php

Climate change could well be the great sovereignty issue of the 21st
century, precisely because it is such a new and vexing problem.
Countries have warred over resources many times before, but consider
this (factoid from Al Gore's film): 40% of the world's population (in
India and China, mainly) rely on the melting snow from the Himalayas to
fill their rivers and supply them with drinking water. You think
conflict ain't going to break out if there ain't enough snow to feed
the Ganges, Yangtze, and other such rivers? The following article (from
today's Herald Tribune) touches on climate change/global warming
issues, on Europe's increasing energy dependence on Russia (raising the
vexing sovereignty issues an earlier article mentioned), and on
concerted action by that great incubator of post-sovereignty, the EU:

http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2007/01/10/business/EU-FIN-EU-Energy.php

And finally and article about African politics. Does one proposed
intervention negate another? Wouldn't they both tend to violate
international legal norms? On the rarely-cited Somali-South African
connection (from Johannesburg's leading daily -- also interesting
because of African Union implications, although they're not mentioned
in this article -- what good might the AU be able to do in various
African conflicts, such as Darfur?):

http://www.mg.co.za/articlepage.aspx?area=/breaking_news/
breaking_news__national/&articleid=295362

That is that. I know it is long and you have a lot to read. if you
have to read just one, read the eliot cohen piece and the BC journal
staff will use the other articles to highlight how to apply the theme
to various issues and to get you motivated and prepared to submit. The
wine will flow, we will celebrate the end of the seminar for the
semester. Its been a wild ride. Join me one more time before finals
to get your news on, look forward to facilitating a lively discussion.

Peace, Love and Justice,

Gabo

INDICORPS UPDATE

The last post started a flurry of activity and response to the blog. I
have over the past month been in conversation with the founders of
INDICORPS, Sonal and Anand Shah. Its been an enlightening process and
so as to not leave the process hanging, to have closure, I feel
ethically obliged to share some of the fruits of our discussions.

INDICORPS according to Sonal and Anand has no affiliations with VHP.
According to them the websites and other allegations are false and a
ploy for sensationalism. Though I am sure this depends on what your
definition of affiliation is and whether having contact, working with a
group such as VHP qualifies as affiliation. Just to make the record
clear, though I cannot post their replies to me, I do want to share
what I wrote them. If you have any further questions on the matter you
can contact them, as they are friendly and ready to answer any
questions you may have on this. you can get their info at their
website, www.indicorps.org or contact sonal@indicorps.org or
anand@indicorps.org. They have been through, detailed and diligent
with their replies and their willingness for dialogue has been
remarkable. This has been an important and constructive process for
everyone involved.

Before I share my letters to them (which you can use as reference with
any questions you may have for them) I want to cite one of the
responses to the original post which I feel best sums up the dilemma.
Its from a friend of mine who does work for a prestigious NGO in
bangladesh:

"I read the post and the comments. It's far from a clean cut issue, but
I couldn't be part of anything even partially funded by the RSS and
then cheered on by privileged NRIs. Maybe that's my own prejudice. I
hold the RSS morally equivalent to the KKK, Hamas or the IRA. Doesn't
matter how much control they have in Indicorps and if they just
contribute funding. A truly non-political and non-sectarian
organization has to be beyond reproach and keep well clear of this kind
of affiliation. Especially on the Indian subcontinent. If you propose
to work for progressive development you have to live by the rules
you've set out for yourself, even if it comes at the cost of
"progress". Otherwise, like so many development programs, you've just
taken a big gulp of the poverty industry Kool Aid.

Doesn't matter if they also build schools and hospitals. These are the
kinds of arguments used by totalitarians the world over. And I don't
buy any of that "it's fashionable to bash Hindus and brand them as
fascists" shit Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. The RSS and their ilk
are fanatics, and I would argue they are fascists too, they are a hate
group, and I don't buy that "we don't hate anyone, we just love
ourselves" shit either. Or the argument from Sonal Shah's brother about
including the RSS/VHP because "diversity" is essential to progress.
We're not talking about academic debates. It's one thing to defend
their right of free speech, which I would support, but another to
accept their support and be part of their activities.

Even though there's always bound to be wildly divergent interests in a
consortium of donors or benefactors, there are plenty of alternatives
that aren't so morally compromised. Which is perhaps to your point
about the Peace Corps. Arguably it might well be impossible to find any
organization (commercial or non-profit) that is absolutely beyond
reproach, but publicly accepting an award from Narendra Modi when they
could have refused makes them unacceptable to me."

Now on to my first original letter to INDICORPS below, followed by a
follow up letter after.
________________________________________________________

Dear Sonal:  

First off a hearty thank you for your response.  It is an honor to
receive an email from you as I have heard much about you and remember
clearly when you were india abroad's person of the year.  I remember
having a tremendous sense of admiration for someone with privilege who
actually wanted to do something for the community.  I am indian, like
you, having spent the first 7 years of my life in Delhi and when I came
to new york it was a shock to see the level of assimilation and
emphasis on achievement though not on service and community action.
Your award and your having started Indicorps is a start in the right
direction.

Sonal, relax, I want to express that I am not going to approach you in
attack mode as many of the more radical elements of the diaspora do. I
feel many of them are out of touch with the realities of india and
don't realize the complexities and nuances that come with doing
development work.  I agree that one has to make alliances and we cannot
be divided, there is too much at stake, and somehow we must be
inclusive though also make the dialogue inclusive and reflective.  I
sincerely hope that this whole process doesn't offend you and most of
all that you view it positively, as it indicates for me the vibrancy of
our democracy for it is much better to have a battle of ideas than the
other more unsavory options.  So peace, love and understanding come
from here.  This is a long preface and its to ensure that my respect
and admiration come through even if my ideas and criticisms are
incongruent with yours.  We need to work TOGETHER on this and think
this through because it is a complex and important issue. We cannot
let the positive force which is Indicorps to be over-shadowed by
divisive ideology.  In that I am in agreement as my exposure to DRUM in
New York has exposed me to a destructiveness and cruelty that comes
from the desi left.

So lets start talk openly and without defensiveness, let me share some
of my thoughts and then perhaps I can get your feelings and thoughts as
well.  I will be as clear and brief as possible to get to the crux of
the issue so here goes.  Some questions to start with.

What are your thoughts on the VHP and RSS?

Can we agree that there goals and motives for india are not to be
supported?  If you wikipedia VHP it mentions their desire for a Hindu
nation.Do you believe that?  What are your opinions on the human rights
watch reports about their involvement with the ayodya temple riots and
the gujarat pogrom?  There seems to sufficient evidence and
controversy.  Do you understand the hostility and uncomfort this can
generate?

That being said, if you admit or at the very least can understand the
problem then we can move on to the second point which is your alleged
leadership positions within VHP.  Its one thing to be affiliated and
quite another to have a leadership position within the VHP. And let me
be clear that it is not your work which is under question.  I will
assume that everything you do is positive and good (which according to
my sources it is) as indicorps doesn't seem to be aligned politically
with VHP or RSS.  But what causes an uncomfort and where I am found
with an ethical quandary is that if it is true that you do or have had
leadership positions with the VHP, a group that is documented to have
had human rights abuses and has a questionable charter, should that
matter?

And as if you say you have affiliations with christian and muslim
groups, does that entail leadership positions as well, to the same
degree as VHP?  Is anyone else is in the Indicorps(in a leadership
position, vice president,E-board, etc) in a leadership position on a
pro nationalist muslim or christian organization?

Its one thing to have meetings and contact with VHP, I find that
necessary and it wouldn't be as bothersome if some of your family were
members( i am sure I have family members a part of them as well!) its
quite another thing when a founder and immediate family are part of the
structure. Thats where the conflict of interest and ethical problems
start.

We can start from here.  I want to express again my respect for you and
do not want this to be divisive.  We all have good intentions though
thats not enough.  I want to work with you on this because regardless,
our paths will cross because we both have similar goals and visions for
India's future.  My Mother, family, sister all live in delhi and after
SAIS I will be based in Delhi.  We will see each other and I bet we
probably already know similar people.  So lets work together and be
clear with our ideas and then if we differ lets still keep some love in
our hearts as we are few, the majority of indian-americans don't care
and we need to work together to make them care so please let me know
how you feel.

P.S.  Anand also wrote me, please forward this to him and you both can
reply if you choose, as I will write him separately as well.

all the best,

Gabo

____________________________________

The next letter is a response to the first letter. Though i won't post
her reply ( I don't have her permission) I will share my letter in
which you can make out the nature of the debate.

____________________________________

Dear Sonal,

I want to thank you for your thoughtful and heartfelt note. I read it
over carefully, many times and it made me reflect on our situation, the
human situation, the personal and the political. When I received
Anand's reply I felt it was institutional jargon and in a way a legal
defense, a play with words rather than plain sincerity to what I see is
a process in working together to understand a dilemma. Your letter
really made me think and I whole heartedly agree with your assessment
about working and understanding all factions of society - even the ones
we may not agree with. I agree. I also agree with your point about
believing the truth based on what we may think are credible sources and
having to question further before we determine what we feel is the
"truth". Point well taken and my questions directed towards you were
meant to quickly get to the heart of the matter and if their directness
seemed leading or confrontational, please excuse me. The issue for me
was your alleged affiliation with the VHP. There are ethical concerns
in where Indicorps gets its funding and the level of its cooperation
with VHP, RSS and other groups with documented links to human rights
abuses. It is not their religiousness that bothers me, as that is
their right, it is the links to human rights abuses and a charter which
can go against what Indicorps stands for. The issue is not working
with groups we don't agree with, the issue is strong affiliations,
funding, a lack of political savvy, which in Indicorps attempt to be
all inclusive and non-judgmental comes across as collusion and
legitimization of groups which have been involved in atrocities. It's
a fine line, all this, very difficult to delineate but its worth it to
reflect on.

Indicorps is non-political though lets not confuse that with amoral.
There is a marked difference between the two as being non-political
doesn't mean one does not take a stance. And lets also not confuse
non-political with apolitical. I wish it was so easy, to live,
operate, work and do development work in india without being aware of
the political context. That would be naive and in the end you face up
to understand that politics is in everything we do (or choose not to
do) and you can choose to ignore it though it will in the end over
shadow all your great work and professionalism. And that is a reality,
whether it is right or wrong, whether it is the truth or not,
intentions will not matter if you are not careful and conscious with
your actions. You can choose to accept an award by Nardender Modi, but
it should be done knowing it has consequences (as does not accepting)
and you can also collect money from the VHP and have them list you on
their website, though again it needs to be done consciously and the
repercussions and cost benefit needs to be calculated in advance.

I didn't in anyway go looking for the dirt on Indicorps. It was
something that consistently kept being mentioned to me from people from
broad political spectrums. It wasn't in anyway leftist extremists that
Anand may have in mind. The VHP, RSS issue is in no way criticized
just by the fringe left. It is something that has consistently been
written and talked about since their inceptions. I am not saying
Indicorps needs to run a campaign against them or not work with them,
you are inevitably going to have to interact with them to get anything
done in India, but I ask that you be very very careful in your
interactions. Of which it is safe to say you were not. Having your
name printed as "national coordinator" on the website and accepting an
award from Narender modi doesn't mean I liken them to you. It shows me
your political naivete or worse that you didn't think it mattered when
it does.

Its about branding, an Indicorps like any other organization needs to
be conscious of that. You can do all the good you want, if you don't
have a strong brand or if your brand is tarnished by faux paxs such as
this than it is unfortunate. And it is not about extremism, trust me I
am no leftist and personally would do what you do for practical reasons
- to get things done. I just would have been subtle and careful with
my relations. And when these accusations are put forth, such as your
affiliation with the VHP, they need to be handled actively rather than
allowing them to float around in cyberspace. It has to be mentioned in
your website, you need to have your lawyer contact the websites that
state this about you and challenge them. It is not a benign issue and
for your work to continue uninhibited in India this needs to be cleared
up.

There are some allegations and issues that one can and should ignore
and we need to pick and choose what to respond to. Perhaps you felt
this issue would just go away, but this is a hot-button issue and will
continue to mire the organization in controversy which would be a
shame, since your intentions, commitments and organization are
exemplary. I have heard great great things about your training's and
the experience and what you do. It is great! That is not enough, you
need to be politically savvy and tackle and accept the political
realities in which you operate. Money, power, great work,
professionalism are just part of it, all of that goes away with
political in-clarity and a marred reputation.

All this said I would have applied for the internship and I do have a
strong interest though this summer I need to be in New Delhi for family
and business reasons (if you recommend any projects or NGOs in Delhi
please let me know). I truly wish this to be a beginning of friendship
between us. I'd like to work together, think together, put our
energies together for India. We need to meet, please don't forget me
when I contact you back in the US and tell Anand I will contact him
when I am in India this summer. Also I am available to talk about any
of these things on the phone if he wants, or if you have any questions.
I am also attaching my resume for your files for any future
opportunities to work together. You may not want anything to do with
me after all this though I feel we need to work together, be honest
with each other, think, reflect and be open. Even if we don't agree,
we can't be divided in this important historical moment for India.
There are not many of us around who choose to do what we do, its a
tough road and I know I can't make it alone so I will look to you for
leadership and guidance. I am still in awe by your achievements and
your involvement of the diaspora has struck a chord with me and other
people. Please let me know if I can ever be of service to you and I am
grateful for all your time and efforts in this matter. It is truly
admirable. All the best.

Peace and Love,

Gabo
_______________________

That's that, feel free to comment or post.

A human being is never what he is but the self he seeks - Octavio Paz

INDICORPS

I am feeling perplexed by this organization, Indicorps. Below is some
of the polemic that comes across in the debate. As I am part of the
International Development Program at Johns Hopkins SAIS, it is a funded
internship I am being pushed to apply for though I feel uncomfortable
with all this controversy. If anyone has more thoughts and reflections
please do let me know.

___________________

Following what you heard about indicorps I found this on the website of
some activists http://www.stopfundinghate.org/, related to the alleged
connections of this NGO with VHP and RSS. More information are provided
below, and links. Actually indicorps's involvement with fundamentalist
groups seems to be based just on funding ( most of which come from the
NRI
nationalists, sangh parivar)something which could blur its well known
secular and highly progressive structure. The ambiguity lies in its
founder's involvement, this Sonal Sha, whose affiliation with VHP is
evident.

I suggest you to find more on the issue, get documented, and be careful
in
your decisions, when the time will come.
and you were right, it is not a casualty that people in JHU pushed you
to
join this organization, on the base of your ethnic background and
tokenized identity. it gives me the creeps, but on the other side one is
also curious to explore the contextuality of it all.

This could be also an issue if discussion and debate for your seminars.

good. take care always.

Indicorps and its Sangh affiliations

The South Asian Conference Council (SACC) at Yale University organized a
conference on solidarity in the South Asian community. The objective was
to increase social activism in the South Asian student community. The
conference included panels on youth activism and workers rights and
brought together some very progressive activists in the community (such
as
Nahar Alam from Andolan, Saru Jayaraman from Restaurant opportunities
Center of New York, Chandra Bhatnagar from the ACLU to mention a few).
In
conflict with this progressive list of speakers, the organizers also
invited Sonal Shah, vice president of Goldman Sachs and co-founder of
Indicorps. According to their website, “Indicorps is a non-partisan,
non-religious, non-profit organization that encourages Indians around!
the
world to actively participate in India's progress.” While some of the
organizations that Indicorps works with are indeed secular and
progressive, at issue was their affiliation with organizations of the
Sangh parivar. These connections range from personal affiliation of
Sonal
Shah with the VHP-A (see
http://www.vhp-america.org/dynamic/modules.php?
name=News&file=article&sid=13),
institutional affiliation of Indicorps with IDRF (IDRF is one of
Indicorps’ supporters; see
http://www.indicorps.org/index.cfm?function=supporters&level=1),
Indicorps’ involvement with Sangh parivar projects such as Ekal
Vidyalaya
(see http://www.indicorps.org/index.cfm?function=partners&level=1).
Perhaps most questionable was Indicorps’ decision to accept an award
from
the “butcher of Gujarat” Narendra Modi in November 2004, at a time when
numerous human rights activists have been threatened from continuing
their
work (http://www.hrw.org/backgrounder/asia/india/gujarat/).

The conference organizers allowed a couple of progressive youth
collectives (Organizing Youth! and Youth Solidarity Summer) to read a
statement and ask Indicorps to explain their association with the Sangh
Parivar. Far from explaining, Sonal Shah admitted her affiliation to the
VHP-A, claimed that she would take money from anyone (including the
KKK!),
and used a young Muslim volunteer to claim that Indicorps was in fact
secular. Such is not the kind of solidarity that one expects from a
non-partisan, non-religious organization. In fact, based on the evidence
and Sonal Shah’s admission, Indicorps can be listed as one of many front
organizations of the Sangh parivar in the US. Soon after this public
discussion, the Patriotic Sons of Mother India (a virulent Sangh outfit)
posted a defence of Indicorps by attempting to defame Youth Solidarity
Summer as anti-India and anti-Hindu- typical reaction from the Sangh for
one of their own!

For Biji

My grandmother is not well. She is old yes and I suppose thats what
happens when one grows old. You don't feel well. I hear she is in the
hospital alone. I want her to go peacefully yet medicine keeps her
alive. She is to far away for me to help her. She has lived a full,
beautiful life and I want her death to be with dignity. Everyone
allows her to be in a bad condition when we need to be brave and end
her life with dignity. We are weak. We allow the doctors to make a
mockery of our values and judgments. (sigh) Here is a story I wrote
to her in the year 2002 to give you all an idea of what she was like.
She was a force of nature, a giver of stories, a strong presence in my
life. When I read 100 years of solitude and then read Marquez's
interviews of his inspiration I understood perfectly when he said
everything came from his grandmother. Biji made me see our family that
way. I have always been enthralled to hear her speak of the tragedy
and joy in living.

_____________________________

Visiting Myself

My grandma surrounds herself with photographs, spending more time with
these images than with the people they represent. Voices from afar on
the telephone respond to her existence, reminding her that people
remember her, who she was, who she has become.

She is a shell of her former self.

I sleep next to her, hearing her breathing, in and out, the air it
keeps her spirit alive. I wonder what she thinks, dreams about, as the
days keep going by.

Morning brings the sun to my eyes. She’s already awake sitting on an
easy chair, waiting for me. In the bathroom I can hear her rumbling
pots in the kitchen, she’s trying to cook something. I come out to help
her, telling her to sit down, take it easy.

She insists on cooking, so I let her. I watch her move, she’s a blind
person in the dark, unaware of the darkness, it’s all the same to her.
She reminds me that she cooks for herself all the time.

I eat and listen to her. She starts talking. I feel like I’m not there.
She keeps going, stories, some sad some interesting, one about how on
the hottest day of the year, she walked to the supermarket, on the
other side of town, to eat a mango. A goal, her entire existence
converging on a sweet mango. She touches it, tastes it, more real than
pictures or voices from afar. I imagine her in the hot sun, alone on a
park bench, eating all she knows. She’s in the moment.

I look at her, I can’t tell if she sees me. She gets quiet, she lies
down on the couch. I sit in front of her reading, it’s all I know to
do. Occasionally she wakes up to say something. I try and read and
listen at the same time, I try to ignore her, I feel uneasy. I tell her
I’ll get the groceries.

I walk out. I get a cup of coffee and an overwhelming feeling of
wanting to make love takes me. Usually the feeling is incessant, like a
leak from the faucet, dripping making noise, raising awareness, but not
drawing attention to itself. Eventually it becomes a slow din, fading
into the background. This is different, it’s a flood of feeling so
strong, as if I was the one dying, looking back at my life in regret.

I walk into the grocery store, the sun going down on this gray winter
day. I know by the time I come out, it’ll be dark. I spot a photo
booth, jump in, take pictures. The pictures remind me I’m young, that I
have a long time to go. My mind it feels really old though. I feel
stuck alone waiting to die. My whole life behind me, only darkness
ahead, an unknown. It’s not true. I look at my young face, I see that
everything these old people wish to do I can do.

My grandma is 84, I’m 24. 60 years apart, yet we share the same
struggle: getting through the day. She waits for 6:30 to roll around,
to play cards downstairs, with 5 or 6 other senior citizens. “It helps
pass the time,” she says. I sit all day next to her, reading, trying to
keep busy. Slowly the day turns to night over and over. My uneasiness
eventually subsides, I feel rhythm, a feeling that I have done this
before, of being content in just being, of being here for her. I don’t
want to leave her.

I tell her I’ll join her for cards. We head down, sit at the table
ready to play. The game is easy, mostly of chance, the little skill
that comes into play, has to do with screwing over the person sitting
next to you. We all sit around the table stranded, do our best to deny
it, with endless chatter. Once in a while everyone asks each other how
they’re doing.

I lose every game. I’m the first one out. In a game of chance you would
think I would win some games. I tell my grandma I’m heading up and that
I’ll be waiting for her. 3 hours later she drudges in. She won 2 games
and she seems happy, she made it through another day. She tells me
she’s sleepy, she goes to bed.

A little lamp lights the room, the rest of the place is dark. I sit and
listen to the night. My eyes start getting tired, but I see nothing in
sleep, it means nothing to me here.

I wake up to the sound of a vacuum. The orderly is here, she assists my
grandma in cleaning and other household chores. I think of the whole
day ahead of me in the shower. Rain coming down, washing away my sins.
I think of leaving, it’s been 8 days and I’m starting to lose track of
time. I don’t remember what yesterday was like and tomorrow, I don’t
care for. Am I in the moment? Is my grandmother my mango?

Over breakfast, I casually mention how I should head back to the city,
how I have so much stuff to do, that's so important. She tells me to
stay one more week, says she’ll feel sad if I go. I tell her I’m going
back so she’ll be proud of me, how I’m thinking about going back to
school, getting my act together, getting a job, becoming successful so
she can then talk about me downstairs over cards, to her orderlies,
random strangers, I would become just like the rest of her
grandchildren, a faded image on her walls. I take out my unsmiling
pictures from the photo booth, I pin them on the wall. There’s four of
me, all looking at her, abstract, far away, making her feel as good as
God does on lonely Sunday afternoons.

– Gaurav Deep Arora
March 31, 2002

A story I wrote in 2003

I came upon this after a longtime. It was published on a web journal.
I was completely depressed when I wrote it.....

___________________

I Only Have You

She’s got half a face and I’ve got till the end of the week to put it
together. All these days with her ugly. Her ugly everywhere
inescapable, it’s not turning into beauty like I promised.

The door it opens differently now. Anticipation in her polite rushing
footsteps to see me, be with me. The lock turns with no hesitation, I
walk in, no words, hesitation, ready to be alone together.

How different its all become from the beginning when I saw her on the
street with her half face disgrace, half moon embrace. People pretend
not to notice. I look at it, her, all to touch where it hurts, her
swollen redness, her mangled goodness.

To touch is to heal to hurt is to steal her story.

I followed, took pictures from afar. As she stood on the line at the
post office, as she paid for her groceries with no eyes touching her.
Where was she? I couldn’t tell how it felt for her. How she did it, to
go on each day so quietly disturbed, silently ignored. She goes on. I
can’t go on. We all go on somehow.

In all the pictures she clashes with all colors all goodness. Hours and
hours go by I look into her, look for her in her pictures, look for
what I know I saw. I realize what to do, it comes so suddenly.

All day I smoke camels on the corner waiting for her. I try and speak
to her. Please I need to talk to you. I show her my camera, I take
pictures of her. Her gaze to the ground, her smile not smiling. We go
nowhere with her broken English, my broken heart. She walks away. I
follow, corner her. I need to love you to make this all work, okay?
Tears and I’m real close to everything that makes her cry, her flaw my
beauty, I touch it with my softness, my forced goodness.

I’m taking pictures, she’s undressed. My cigarette burns slowly through
the room. The smoke hangs in the light by the window, she looks at it
as one would a lonesome cloud on a clear sunny day. One cloud, can it
cover all the magnificence of the sun?

She starts cooking something for me and she’s gotten use to my looking
at her. I’m allowed to, I am allowed to do whatever I please. Her ugly
is mine. She doesn’t care. Because of it I’m by her side, without it
I’d be gone.

Her half face is bringing joy, the joy that comes right after a lot of
sadness.

The smiles get brighter, the laughter longer, I never show her the work
– it might hurt her. Slowly I realize I really have nothing. Just a lot
of pictures of some mangled girl, nothing comes together. I stop going
to her place, the sky fades into darkness again and again. I feel a
happiness inside I can’t describe.

– Gaurav Deep Arora
February 16, 2003

Poetry in motion

I would liken this debate to "poetry in motion". What do I mean? As a
New Yorker I have had a lifelong love affair with the subway system,
its as natural to me as my own blood. Imagine then how I feel about
subway advertising, I hate it, what it stands for, how it invades my
experience of the NYC subway experience. It wasn't so so bad when we
had Dr. Zizmor ads next to lawyer ads that were quite funny, like those
apex commercials "we can't call you pick up the phone and call us".
anyway things got out of hand when one day I walked into the "Yoo-hoo"
car and it was all just yoo-hoo or the budweiser one, it was an
onslaught on my sense and made me hate subway advertising, as a system,
a concept, a paradigm. BUT, and this the but you have been waiting
for, in the midst of this desert of mediocrity and mental prostitution,
there is poetry in motion. You know when you are squished on the 7
train riding home and you can't see the sun and you feel like a rat in
the cage and you look up and its not a stupid commercial it's poetry, a
rather profound verse speaking to the heart. It livens you, saves you,
makes you happy. Even though poetry in motion in of itself is good,
valuable, you are glad you have it, it no way justifies the existence
of the corrupt structure within which it operates - advertising. if it
was up to me I would still banish all subway advertising even at the
loss of poetry of motion - it would do over-all more good. Similarly i
feel while drug companies do some good (20% according to some
estimates) it over-all if taken into account iatrogenic effects (4th
leading cause of deaths USA) and malpractice and a possible connection
all the way to ww2 and hitler germany, than we got serious trouble and
I don't care if grandma has less pain because the system in which it is
embedded is fucked. so stop being apologetic for it, wake up, and
while we may not have poetry in motion we will have open mental space
and horizons to build a new order. I would make a similar argument
with oprah and TV, so i agree with gatewood.....drug companies are part
of the problem not solution when it comes to health, dependency is no
measure of freedom and because one has to take something (like
advertising!) doesn't make it good or free from critique.

G

On Nov 30, 2006, at 7:21 PM, bwatson wrote:

> As someone who practices holistic and herbal health,
> I'm certainly no fan of drug companies. I also
> recognize the ways in which so many companies these
> days are able to simply plant press releases in the
> news and have them passed off as stories. Despite my
> misgivings about the pharmaceutical industry, I think
> it's important to distinguish an industry's greedy
> practices, with the import of its purpose. Drugs in
> and of themselves are not evil. The reality is that
> many people with HIV, Depression and a host of other
> diseases have benefitted from the breakthroughs in
> drug treatment made available in the past two decades.
> Those break throughs and the help to folks on the
> ground do not negate the damaging practices of drug
> companies or the degree to which people have begun to
> use drug therapy as a replacement for life therapy and
> long term holistic health. Still, I think it's a
> disservice to those researchers who have made real
> contributions to society by discovering new forms of
> medication to simply dismiss the industry out of
> pocket as a whole. Further, and this is a point I
> think you should really sit with a bit, there are
> people who have tangible evidence in their own every
> days lives of the degree to which a particular course
> of drug therapy has helped them. When you dismiss the
> industry in the out of hand manner that you generally
> tend to, you risk also dismissing the voices and
> experiences of those folks. Promoting a perspective or
> a message can be most effective when the manner of
> your delivery displays a bit more sensitivity for the
> possibility of people who not only do not share your
> point of view but who believe themselves to have had
> experiences that invalidate or contrast your view.
>
> Bahiyyih
> --- Sean Gatewood <seangatewood@msn.com> wrote:
>
>> Read this bullshit article very carefully and
>> recognize that the drug
>> companies are one of the greatest menaces to human
>> health and well-being
>> around:
>>
>> http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15955833/
>>
>> Followed closely be the media and its "reporting" .
>> . .
>>
>>
> _________________________________________________________________
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>>
>

Newspaper Seminar - December 1st

Ladies and Gentlemen. Fidel Castro isn't feeling well, milton friedman
is dead, ecuador has a new president and the pope is in Turkey. In my
native Queens 2 cops shot an unarmed black man 50 times breaking the
record set 7 years ago of 41 shots that killed Amadou Diallo, prompting
protest songs from Bruce Springsteen and Wyclef Jean. Somethings never
change or perhaps they get worse.

Speaking of things getting worse lets focus on Lebanon. We got Faysal
who has offered to present on the topic. Below are some readings to
get you up to speed. We will be at the bar 530pm getting our groove
on. I look forward to a lively presentation and discussion.

Peace, Love and Understanding (what's so funny about that?)

G-A-B-O

Lebanon’s seeming slide toward civil conflict is not just a symbol of
unfortunate historic symmetry. This country is a barometer for the
region, serving as a measure of tensions and rivalries.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/27/world/middleeast/27region.html?
ex=1165294800&en=502638ca773c3327&ei=5070&emc=eta1

The new new middle east....

http://www.foreignaffairs.org/20061101faessay85601/richard-n-haass/the-
new-middle-east.html

Just to show you how multicultural I am....the leading english daily
from lebanon which has interesting items to explore, timeline of the
war, opinion pieces, all from lebanon itself.

http://www.dailystar.com.lb/